Down Homey Advice from Gary Greebles

Hello Putnam City!

How exciting! My assistant Susan informed me today that we are now being syndicated on the World Wide Web! I've always been excited about the web, ever since I read Charlotte's Web when I was in middle school. I only hope that I can be the wise, motherly spider to the people of the World that Charlotte was to that little girl in that darling, darling book! I love Charlotte's Web! Gary Recommends!

Things have been downright exciting here at the Pugilist. Susan brought in a cactus! It's so prickley! She tells me not to touch it but it's just so different - I've never felt such a spiney plant! I am running out of band-aids, but the novelty is impossible to resist. Ouch! I did it again. Ouch! Susan calls it our "love" cactus. I don't know about that, Susan (we are professional associates!), but it sure is adorable! And prickley, like I said! Gary Recommends!

Now, I had an exciting batch of letters this week. Some of them arrived by Electronic Mail! Can you guess which ones? Here's a hint - the ones with the little snaily looking guy (@) in them are from the Web! Why a snail? Don't ask Gary. My business is down homey business. I don't know what these city-folk do! Welp, on to the letters! Let me put on my advising hat! [And tie! - Susan]





Gary,

I have terrible body odor. My mother tells me it's because I eat too much cheese. Is that true?

- BO B NO?

Dear BO,

Unfortunately, dairy can cause your pores to secrete an odor-causing substance known as Pwep. Now, I don't want to gross you out, BO, but Pwep also comes out of your hiney when you toot! (When you "break wind" as the Red-Man says.) Pwep is known to build up on the walls and surfaces of our homes and vehicles. The only way to take care of it is with a good old fashioned feather duster! (They don't call them feather Pwepsters to avoid offending the gentler sex!) But make sure your duster has got real feathers on it - preferably from a large-beaked bird like an Ostrich! Whatever you do - don't settle for cheap plastic feathers made by the China-Man - they don't have the natural Pwep-removing power of an Ostrich, whatever the China-Men say!

So get that duster, BO, then rub it all over your body and soon that cow-like odor will be gone! You can eat all the cheese you like and ice cream too - just dust yourself after each and every meal for that fresh, Pwep-free feeling. And don't forget to dust where the sun don't shine!


From: Frankthetank@hotmail.com via Electronic Mail to Gary Greebles

Dear Gary,
Last night I got in a fight with my houseplant Saundra and kicked her. Now I feel terrible. How can I make it up to her?

Signed,
Franklin the furious fir abuser

Franky,

Thank you for having the courage to step forward to talk about this DANGEROUS problem. Anger is a drug, Franky - just like "uppers" and "downwards" and "the roofer" - and you can get hooked on it! We all have to do our best not to kick plants, and Saundra is a plant, Franky! A living, breathing, seeing, feeling plant that loves you and will sit patiently in a pot by your side and send you good planty vibes until your DYING DAY, Franky,or until it dies, whichever comes first. (I'm an advice-writer, not a sooth-seer! [Thank goodness! Get thee behind me, Satan! - Susan])

The best advice I can give you, Frank, is that when you feel that urge to kick, go outside and kick something with a more stalwart sense of self than a plant. Like a curb! Or little Johnny Owens, my paper boy! That pimply little pipsqueak could use a good kick in the seat-of-the-pants!



From: cowtownpartygirl@gmail.com via Electronic Mail to Gary Greebles

Gary,
I have a big problem! This weekend, I cat-sat for my big sister, I'll call her "Susie." Well, "Susie's" cat "Fuzzhead" doesn't get along with my cat "Snookles". I thought if I locked up "Fuzzhead" and "Snookles" in a closet together, they would get along. BIG mistake! My precious "Snookles" massacred "Fuzzhead" beyond belief! AND, my party dress for my sister "Susie's" son's Bar Mitzvah is covered in cat blood and urine! What do I do?!


Oh my goodness cowtownpartygirl@gmail.com - if that IS your real name *WINK* *LOL* *ROFL* 8-) >-p :) :q @ @ @ !! - you sent me my very first piece of Electronic Mail! I am so overwhelmed, but I will try to focus on your problem. Hmmm. This one's a toughy! Before I answer your question, though, cowtownpartygirl@gmail.com, I have to respond with a query of my own: what in a hoedown hootenanny is a Bar Mitzvah? Is it some sort of machine? I see the z in there, which makes me think perhaps it is an apparatus assembled in Europe [probably Belgium - Susan].

My advice, cowtownpartygirl@gmail.com, is to stop messing around with strange machines you don't understand! Who knows, maybe it was this so-called "Bar Mitzvah" (are you spelling that right?) that made the cats get so ornery with each-other in the first place! It sounds like this machine makes people (or at least kitty-cats) ANGRY, cowtownpartygirl@gmail.com, and there's plenty of anger in the world already! Just see my response to Frank, above, to get a sense of what I mean! That pinko kicked a plant when he could have kicked a teen!




Dear whatever your name is,

I've recently moved to your fine town because of my new job. I love it so much! The people are friendly and the rent is cheap. But I have one problem. I don't know what the hell anybody is saying. How can I learn to understand you? It's really starting to piss me off!

- What the F***?

Dear ****,

Whoa nelly! It looks like somebody has a problem with potty talk! Let's keep that language in the boys' locker room, where it belongs with all of the other Pwep!

Now, asides from your potty-talkin', which could be causing you all kinds of problems in the friendly communication department of the grocery store of interpersonal relations, I will say that the Oklahoma twang can take quite a bit of getting used to! Whereinparts did you move here from, anywhoozle, leetle mizzy? (Ha!) Here at the Pugilist, we try to avoid writing with "local color" (especially with the advent of Electronic communications like Electronic Mail, which offer up our humble, down-homey typings to people in homes and trailers all over the free world!! [Praise Jesus! - Susan])

All I can suggest is that you tough it out. Go hang out at the Lonestar Steak House on Northeast Expressway for a couple days. Aw shuckazucks, maybe you should do a line dance or two as well! A few twirls and maybe a roll in the hayloft with a local boy if you're a girl, or with a girl if you're a boy (I didn't catch your gender, but we're not very flexible in these parts about the pecker and the bearded clam!) and you'll be mouthing off like a pugileesta in no time!





Dear Gary,

Once when I was just a little girl, i asked my mother "what will i be?" Will I be pretty, will i be rich? She never answered me. Can you help me out with this very important dilemma?

Why Does Mommy Hate Me?

Your momma doesn't hate you, Why Does Mommy Hate Me. She's just trying to avoid hurting your feelings! Chances are, your breasts just aren't big enough. There's nothing like a good old set of implants to spruce up an otherwise barren wasteland of a chest! [There ain't nothing sweeter than a good pair of peaches! - Susan]

Here in Oklahoma, we like our land flat, but not our women! So run, honey, don't walk, to the nearest plastic surgery depot and get yourself measured up! If you make 'em big enough, you'll catch you an oil tycoon in your cleavage in no time, just like a honey fly to a pile o' honey. And you'll not only be rich, Why Does Momma Hate Me?, but you'll have a bust that'll bust the dang eyes off all the boys at the Outback! Gary Recommends!


Welp my Pugilats, that's all I've got time for this month. Susan wants to give me a back rub. Maybe y'all can help Gary out with the protocol on this one! In today's modern workplace, is a back rub out of line? I am trying to keep up with the Electronic Age, but everything's so blinkey and shiney and it makes my eyes tired!

As the China-Man would say, Sigh-on-arra!

Gary Greebles