[Bad] Poems For Your Week

Poetry. It's not hard, people. Put some intelligent words together, break the lines up--simple. When I mention this idea, "poets" scoff at me like I don't know what I'm talking about. I've read Emily Dickinson, I'm fairly sure I can do that shit. After repeated requests for me to "prove" myself (I still justify I don't need to prove any shit to your mom), I've decided to post a few of my more well known poems. Enjoy.

Poem 1

Red scissors,
Blue stamps,
The way you look at me gives me cramps,
Eye cramps,
Leg cramps,
Heart cramps.
Fuck you.

Poem 2

I shampoo my hair
With shamp-ooo
I wash my face
With face wa-ssh
I eat Pringles
With my left haaa-nd
I strangle hoes
With piano wi-reeeee
This is my story
Of my glory
The greatest woman
To eat Pringles
And strangle hoes
With clean hair
And fresh skin.

Poem 3

Barbeque hands.
They are sticky for my chicken.
One lick
Two licks
I’m still covered.
Red fingerprints
Plague my space
Three licks
Four licks
No visible sauce is left.
Why am I still sticky?
Barbeque hands
Barbeque hands
No one wants to come out and play

With my barbeque hands.
What about you,
Jam hands?
Everyone wants to play with your
Grapeness.
No one wants my tang.

Poem 4

I felt it last night
When you smiled at me.
I felt it after dinner
When you told me I look beautiful.
I felt it during the walk
When you grabbed my hand.
I felt it at the end of the night
When you kissed me goodbye.
Jesus Christ,
I have to poop.

Poem 5

Your chef hat is sexy.
Your hard hat is sexy.
Your bonnet is sexy.
I like hats
They make me sing
They make me wanna call out your name.
But I like vests more.
So deal with it.

SUCK IT, CRITICS.