the start of my friend quota

I’m not sure how it always happens, but I really cannot keep friends. Many of my friends I have lost touch with. Every so often, I break up with friends. But lately I have been doing something, something I’m completely unaware of, that makes my friends disown me.

I think the first time it happened was in high school. I was 17 and had just moved from Ozark to Lee’s Summit for my senior year. I had a best friend in Ozark that knew about all my crazy, neurotic quirks and didn’t seem to mind them. We continued our long-distance friendship despite my terrible record of “losing touch.” We had a funny relationship. We barely had anything in common and didn’t hang out like normal teenagers. Sometimes she spent the night and we gossiped, but our relationship was mostly phone-based. Maybe this is why the long-distance thing wasn’t terrible. I sent her journals (even though she hated to read), pictures (even though most of them were crappy), and bitched to her about how I hated my new residence. She listened and seemed interested.

She had been yearning to get married since I met her in ninth grade. She finally met “the one” sometime in junior year and was engaged by the time she hit cosmetology school. Her plan (what I can remember, at least) was to marry after she graduated cosmetology school and I was going to be her maid of honor. Somewhere in between me moving and her graduating, she stopped mentioning any details about her wedding--which was strange for a woman who had been planning her wedding since she was five.

As far as I can remember, everything was normal until May 2. I was leaving the subdivision of my parents’ house when I called her to let her know about a guy I met at the Muse concert the night before. I had just spat out the very basic elements of my story before she abruptly cut me off and told me she was late for school (or work, I can’t remember) and would call me back later. She didn’t. I can’t remember if I tried calling her back, but I’m sure I did. I heard nothing from her until about two months after that phone call; she called and left me a voicemail about some small details about her wedding. I called after I got off of work, even though I knew she’d be asleep. Not surprisingly, she told me she would call me later because she had a headache. That was the last time I had ever spoken with her.

A few months ago, I received a friend request via Facebook. I was shocked and surprised that, after three or four years of no communication, she would “friend” me. I never received a message or comment wanting to catch up or explain what happened. It was almost like she had forgotten me, again. I viewed her profile a few times and wasn’t shocked by its content. She seemed to be the same exact girl I left in high school. I wanted to send her a message, but a part of me was still hurt by her actions. I spent a lot of time and energy into trying to figure out what I had done wrong. I’m the queen of the accidental faux pas, so I’m sure I said something to upset her. I just wish I would’ve been notified or warned.

Sometime around this past presidential election, I checked my Facebook page and noticed that she had a very strong aversion to democrat Barak Obama. In fact, she plainly despised him and all democrats. This upset and bothered me, maybe because she was ill-informed, maybe because I am also a democrat, or maybe it’s a combination of the two. I started to respond to her “status updates” through mine. I wasn’t calling her out, specifically, but more so everybody I encountered on a daily basis.

I noticed right after the election, the historical election where the America voted Obama into office, that I was no longer “friends” with her via Facebook. The bitch deleted me! Now was the election the deciding factor? Was I too harsh when I changed my status to “woo Obama!” or “suck it McCain/Palin”? Or did she remember why she rejected my friendship in the first place?

I actually thought it was funny. It had been years since I had last spoken with her, so it didn’t bother me at all that she was going to continue that streak. I am not missing anything by losing such a naïve, racist, and ignorant “friend.”

Recently, within the past month, I have managed to lose two “friends.” Now, these two boys were not life-long, I-would-die-for-you type of friends. I found company in their different attitudes and experiences. It was a welcome change to share drinks with them and listen to their stories. Then I pulled “a Laurie” (as my close friends would say). I found myself fumbling in the deep shrouds of inebriation and staring into the dark brown eyes of a man who was disappointed in me. I know I said, “I’m sorry,” and “What did I do?” but no response was returned. As far as the action that lent itself to these pleas for forgiveness, well, your guess is as good as mine.

I’m upset because once again because no one decides to fucking fill me in on my misstep. If I were an employee, they would have to tell me why they were firing me and not just lock me out of the building one day. I’m especially upset, not because I lost two great friendships, but because I lost a great potential for two great friendships.

I can’t imagine what I’ve done, and if these boys know me well enough, they know I mean no malice. Was this more of a “three strikes, you’re out” type of situation? Are they breaking up with my friendship? Have they both decided that they need to go in another direction with their friendships and I just don’t fit into their plans? I don’t understand how I can create two enemies in only four hours and four drinks.

It’s possible that this is a way for the universe to tell me that I don’t pay enough attention. Or maybe that I should stop drinking. Or maybe that I have enough friends. I think I’ll combine all and stop drinking while paying more attention and thinning out my friend base. Don’t get me wrong, you can still petition to be my friend, but my “friend quota” is filled. Maybe I’ll open up another space in my quota later. Until then, I’ll keep all your friend applications on file for the next two years. If an opening comes up, I’ll have someone notify you. Best wishes.