Hello friends,
It's Gary Greebles back again for a foray into the world of the personal, the professional and the punishable (Sinners repent! - Susan). It looks like I've got quite the grab-bag here! The internet sure has opened the flood-gates. Why, sometimes I'd only get one or two letters a year, and now I get at least ten!
I have to say, fellow pugilists, that Gary is a little distressed by a theme that my keen reader's eyes have detected in these letters. Now, it seems to me like maybe people just aren't trying hard enough. I know, I know. Everyone's busy combing their Chia pets, watching Wheel of Fortune and tending their magnolia bushes, but surely there's still a place in this world for the good ole' collegiate try? So forgive me, dear readers, if Gary seems a little bit miffy today. It just seems like people are getting a little loose around here and I'm going to have to roll up my sleeves, unsnap my vest (oh la la! - Susan), adjust my suspenders and dish out some good ole' no-nonsense Down Homey advice for all you shifty do-nothings out there. And for those who still profit by the sweat of your brows, I salute you!
Let's begin, shall we?
From: mommas_scared@htsp.com
Gary,
I've recently become a recluse and need to know what the proper window coverings would be! A nice dust ruffle? Some lacy curtains? Or should I just stick with the crooked venetian blinds? Please help!
Desperate in Despair
Now I'm sorry little lady if you truly are scared, but I just have to say - you're just not trying hard enough! If you were serious about being a recluse then you would know better than to write to an advice column! Have you ever seen the Black Widow spider send an Electronic Mail? Did the Unibomber (bless his heart! - Susan) attend ice cream socials? Did John Drew Barrymore, father of Wholesome American Heartthrob Drew Barrymore walk out to get his own mail? NO!
It's twenty ought nine, DID, and if you're serious about doing the lord's work on this earth, about being who you were MEANT to be, you'd board up those windows, paint the walls black, unplug your phone, remove the shade from that 40-watt bulb in your lonely night lamp, break out some moldy cards for a game of solitaire and, above all, zip your lip! (Jesus name! - Susan.)
From: beepbeep@pooter.com
Dear Gary,
I was just speaking with a stranger on the phone and she whispered, "DON'T WORRY!" and I started to worry!!! What does this mean? What am I supposed to do? I feel like I betrayed her trust in me.
Signed,
Worry Wart
And you did, Worry Wort! Not only did you disobey this dear stranger who meant nothing to you, but you allowed yourself to commit the Lesser Sin (Holy Foible - Susan) of Worrying and the Mid-grade Sins of having a Wart and a downright silly Electronic Mail address. Beepbeep? What are you, a fire truck?
Susan, I think I'll need you to take my tie. I'm getting a little hot under the collar. (Sweet lord! - Susan)
From: helmetman@hoohah.com
I like PIE! Pie. PIE! puh-EYE.
Pie?
But did you make some HelmetMan? What good is that helmet for if it doesn't protect you from the heat of an oven? All talk and no bite, that's what you are, HelmetMan. I don't like the looks of you at all!
From: woowoowanda@wandasmail.com
Gary,
Recently, I had a dream that I was getting married and my mother brought me thousands of pairs of shoes and none of them fit. Then, as I was walking to my car, I was told that my wedding was cancelled because a trivia contest was booked at the church three years before! What does this mean? I'm afraid to tell my fiance because I know he won't marry me if he thinks there is bad luck!
Not-So-Blushing Bride
Whew, I'm sweaty. NSBB, thank you for this heartfelt letter. I thank you from the bottom of my palpitating heart, and the readers of the Pugilist thank you. Gary was getting a little out of control back there. Gary needs to settle down, and this is just the kind of advice - marriage-type advice - that Gary finds soothing and likes to give.
NSBB, the bottom line is that dreams are always true. Science tells us that they provide the most detailed, accurate and complete projection of future circumstances available today. Why even Ms. Cleo can't compete with dreams. One time I called her, and I said to Ms. Cleo, "Cleo, I'd like to be a writer." And Cleo said to me "Gary, you've got to follow your dreams. You've just got to. 'Cuz dreams always come true. And if they don't, they weren't really dreams to begin with and they was just some sort of gas bubble in your belly."
So think on it NSBB, sure, your wedding is gonna get cancelled. But it's for a trivia contest! Maybe you and your fiance can play and win some money! Plus, you're going to have an awful lot of shoes. Thousands, you said? With the eBay I'm sure you'll make a killing!
Telling your husband what you have learned of your fate together is up to you. Some people prefer to be surprised! Why, my readers might be surprised if they knew I was hardly wearing clothes! (I sure do like the look of that there undershirt, Gary! It's mighty, mighty fine. - Susan)
From: jesuslovesme@biblerules.com
Gary,
I'm ashamed. I think I might be Gay. My family wouldn't be happy with me as they are devot Christians. But the catch is, I'm gay for God! I'm swimming in a paradox!
Signed,
Flamer
Good grief, Susan. My blood pressure's on the rise.
Now dag nabbit, Flamer, there's just nothing wrong with being Gay! Why, just the other day Gary was gay. I went out and got a delicious set of sandwiches from Arby's on Southwest Expressway and my goodness they were good. I drenched 'em in horsey sauce and I started whistling! A young lad in some sort of colorful, sportin'-like dress turned to me and said "god, you're gay." And I said "yes, son! I am Gay! And you're right, thank God for these delicious Arby's roast beef sandwiches and thank God for the Gay hands that made them and the Gay man who will clean up the mess when I'm through 'eaten 'em. Let's hope everyone here today is as Gay as me, Gary Greebles!" It's a Gay, Gay, world, Flamer, if you want it to be, and there ain't nothin' paradoxical 'bout that. (Damn straight! - Susan.)
And that's about all I've got time for today, gentle readers. I've got to get dressed (Aw! - Susan.), and I'm sure y'all do too. But keep the letters coming. In these uncertain economical times, Gary's got to pay those bills and buy his sandwiches!
Until next time,
Gary
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