Things I Lost In the Fire

I’m missing something. It’s a strange feeling to be missing a part of myself. I’m not missing any limbs or anything physical; I’m missing a feeling. I don’t know when it happened, but it’s a recent occurrence. Suddenly, it seems as if I’m constantly irritated, upset, and sad. I’m unsure if this feeling was love, happiness, or even contentedness—I only know the feeling was positive and, apparently, taken for granted.

I wake up in the morning with nothing to look forward to except the end of the day. I relax without actually relaxing. I spend my free-time laying in bed checking off a mental list of all the different emotions I feel, trying to figure out which feeling I’m missing by process of elimination. I spend the spare moments of my day trying to figure out what I could do which might bring back this feeling, but nothing ever helps.

I’ve tried to get a hobby, but I’m too busy. I’ve tried to exercise, but my excuses don’t stop. I’ve tried purchasing items I don’t need, but they end up disappearing in my unhappy oblivion. I’ve spent numerous evenings with my closest friends, but I only end up craving my bed and hating myself.

What, or Who, was responsible for this feeling? I recently went through a break up. It was mutual, though some days it feels more like I was the one who was dumped. I find the events proceeding the break up to be something like the Universe’s way of acknowledging my “mistake” and rewarding me one more chance but sending me back to Square One to ensure that I’ve learned a life lesson.

But I wasn’t terribly upset with the break up. It was something that I had been wishing for on and off for the previous year. The main reason why it didn’t end before was because I never could instigate a break up as it would be too much of a hassle to split our items and live separate lives in an area that was fit for only one life. I was fine with the split because I could feel free to roam any opportunities that had appeared.

This lost feeling only became apparent about a month ago. I think I know what possibly caused this feeling to disappear. Suddenly, about a month ago, I became aware that I have no possible relationship outlets. Before, I didn’t care if not a single other man found me attractive, granted, it was always nice to get a smile or wink while I was out (barring the drunks I’ve encountered in the liquor aisle at the grocery store). I was finally out of a relationship with the hopes of being a free person that never had to think about anybody else, when it hit me: I’m a strange breed only loved by a very small minority of people who are rarely out in public or alive.

I lost my only relationship potential for an unknown reason. Maybe I’m just the booty call girl, maybe I played it too coy—this debate could continue in my head all day without resolution. Since then, everything seems to be empty and boring. No more flirtations and no more imaginary scenarios that I would concoct to perfection in hopes that it would happen one day. Since this very blunt termination, almost all encounters with this person give me this strange sensation in my chest. I know what I think and feel is unhealthy and unwise, but I can’t stop. It gets to the point where I want to reach into whatever part of my body is creating this sensation (brain, heart, loins, etc.) and viciously rip it out. It is a cancer that lingers and stews until one day, I realize that I have allowed this sensation to resonate and affect my daily activities. I think the only reason why I have allowed it to settle deep in my skin is because my current lost emotion theory involves my lost relationship potential. I felt my nameless feeling before the explicit halt and the feeling left sometime after; if I worm my way back into that corner of the man that wanted to be with me, maybe that feeling will return and all will be well.

Could it be possible that this feeling I now feel is heartbreak? Can one be heartbroken without truly ever feeling “love”? I don’t think it’s fair for me to say that I’ve been heartbroken by one or even two men, but instead, I’ve been heartbroken by the world. The world has let me down. No more can my active imagination wander freely and lust after whomever. Wherever my mind goes, my heart will follow. The world has put up yellow tape around my universe, either to keep me in or keep others out Is it fair that I can wander around aimlessly without notice?

So this is why it seems as if this cancerous love/hate that brews in my veins has replaced this positive feeling. It’s hard for me to understand why I don’t have any control over my feelings. It’s hard for me to understand how I could lose track of a nameless emotion that apparently affects me so viciously. I just want to be back to where I was before. In the meantime, I don’t know what to do. I think it’s a matter of working through the pain and finding something that might distract from the feeling or recreate the lost feeling.